I wasn't even sure if I would make this update because it is cold-and-flu season here in Michigan. I don't think I've got the swine flu or anything, but two days ago I felt like someone let the air out of my tires and poured sugar in my gas tank. I slept for ten hours, and didn't have a whole hell of a lot more zip yesterday. Today I only feel like my blood is made out of taffy, and everything I touch turns to hurt, but it's an improvement.
This weekend is Halloween, which is one of the busiest days of the year in restaurant work. Naturally, as I feel like crap and I'm going to have to bust my ass from Thursday to Sunday, I'm very excited. I'm even more excited to do this in costume, as has been requested. I have no idea what I'm going to do, and with only three days left, it looks like I'm doing something pretty unspectacular and / or slapped together at the last minute, but I do know what I'm not doing: wearing one of the three worst Halloween costumes in existence.
These aren't necessarily anything you can buy in a store. Rather, these are costume concepts that for one reason or another suck of their own accord.
Crappy Costume 1:
Dead Celebrity
Examples:
Micheal Jackson, Billy Mays, Farrah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze
Why it Sucks:
When Billy Mays died, I was actually saddened. I thought Pitchmen was a great show for its brief running time, and I found his catchy, bombastic style totally charming. When he died, the first thing I thought of was that "zombie Billy Mays" would be a great Halloween costume. Some people really liked the idea of staggering around all mottled and decayed with a bottle of Kaboom, others thought it was lame, but I began making plans to buy a blue shirt and to grow a beard. Then, while grocery shopping, I heard someone the next aisle over explain the same idea to a friend. Then a month later, the same thing happened. That's when I realized that although there was only one Billy Mays, there would be about ten bajillion Billy Mays zombies.
Celebrities are celebrities for a reason - lots and lots of people like them. If you're going to go as any sort of zombie celebrity, go as a b-list zombie celebrity, somebody popular enough to be marginally famous, but who died in enough poverty or obscurity that people feel bad for laughing at your cleverness, or more to the point, go as someone who was famous for doing good works and who touched human consciousness in a significant way as opposed to being a baby raping pedophile whose death overshadowed all others.
Suggested Alternatives:
Zombie Ricardo Montalban, Zombie John Updyke, Zombie Paul Harvey
Crappy Costume 2:
Sexy Anything
Examples:
Sexy Nurse, Slutty Firefighter, Astronaut Whore
Why it Sucks:
A costume that's actually worse when it's done well, the sexy professional costume is your way of anouncing to the world that your stepfather was "a little handsy," and that you are desperate for approval and attention. If you didn't catch the memo, ladies, getting attention from boys is really really easy: Step one, walk into a room where boys are. There is no step two.
There's something in this culture that's really all about embracing slut-dom, and I of all people should think it's just great, but I don't. A little class and mystery go a long, long way, and the sexy costume is not so much like an erotic flirtation as it is like the family dog humping your leg while you try to watch the football game.
These rules apply for guys too - nobody wants to see your shaved chest, chachi, and truthfully you're probably not pulling off that shirtless soot-streaked fireman costume as well as you think you are. Generally speaking, boys, we're about half as good looking as we think we are, and if no one is explicitly asking you to take your shirt off, you should probably leave it on.
If you must do a sexy costume, do something weird and subtle. Alternately, where a sexy costume in a very unsexy way so as to become repulsive or frightening.
Suggested Alternatives:
Sexy city comptroller, slutty hay bailer, crucified jesus in a thong
Crappy Costume 3:
Vampire
Examples:
Louis, Edward, Dracula
Why it Sucks:
There is nothing I can type here that adequately expresses how bad an idea it is to dress as a vampire this halloween. I could have gone with an obvious "suck" joke, discussed in even greater detail how badly vampires are played out, but for the sake of my dignity and yours, we'll just go on to the suggested alternatives.
Suggested Alternatives:
Sexy dead celebrity
Hey, costumes are hard. There's a lot of pressure, and frequently your resources are limited. Make the best of it. It's okay if, like, three people "get" your costume - you'll all have a good time drinking beer and making jokes until 2:00 when everyone just gets tired of their costumes and gets naked, at which point you'll be glad that you just wore a black T-shirt that reads "this is my costume."
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