Really? Wow, that's so interesting.

There are things that are stupid and things that are boring, and things that are stupid and boring.  The stupidest, most boring thing in the world is listening to someone else recount their dream.

EVERYONE does this, and I'm no exception, but I'm acknowledging today that this is a stupid and boring thing to do.  Hi, my name is Vytautas Malesh and I have a problem: but first I'm going to tell you about last night.  Okay, I was running away from this guy, and like, I couldn't see his face, because like everything was black, like, super black, and like I had this sword, but it wasn't a sword, it was like a rubber ducky...

If you feel the need to bore someone with your stupid dream, the best thing you can do is keep it short.

You:  I had this crazy dream last night.
Your friend:  Oh?  (Eye rolling)
You:  Yeah, I got pinned to the sidewalk and tickled by the cast of Herman's Head.
Your friend: (with the patience of a saint) Then what happened?
You:  That's pretty much the upshot.
Your friend:  Awesome - let's go to the titty bar. 

See?  The reward for keeping it short was disproportionately high in this totally real example because your friend knows how stupid and boring your dreams are going to be.  When you did not go into a big long tirade about how Yeardley Smith was actually your mom, and Hank Azaria was the devil, you got rewarded with boobs!  Also booze!  Also c-section scars! 

I get that, in your dream, I have NO WAY of knowing how green the grass was - like I know, right?  You keep telling me that I don't understand, could not possibly understand, will never ever know, how green the grass was, and how that greenness spread out to everything, the trees, the mushrooms, the skyscrapers, the people, until YOU were at ONE with GREEN! 

Then you woke up and your dignity was gone.

If I can't ever possibly know, don't tell me.  Here's an idea:  maybe the green symbolizes that you are a self-absorbed asshole, ever think of that?  And maybe the world turned green because they were "moving on to greener pastures" than the stinking rectal void of your non-personality! 

I think the only thing worse than hearing someone else's dream is (again, I'm not perfect - I do commit that most egregious error of dream-babble) having your dream "analyzed." 

It doesn't matter if this is some sort of professional analyst, snake-oil selling new-age dream-catcher hippy, or just some chick from psych 101 you're trying to nail by telling her that you dreamed about her but "totally not in that way." 

By the way, what are you even taking psych 101 for?  Psychology is what strippers major in before dropping out to support their stripping habit.  The narrowing gap between psychology, psychiatry, and neurobiology means that the discipline is more and more about the chemistry of the brain and the influence of society on identity than it is "figuring out, like, how people think" or learning why Uncle Rufus wouldn't stop hugging you even after you asked him to stop.  If you look at your course catalog you'll see that psych courses go over 200, but if you show up at the room?  No one's there.  No one's there.

So you get this Cockamamie interpretation about how "wow, maybe the tunnel is like your fears, and like, the train is your ego?  Or is it the superego?  I always get confused" or like "Hmm, it seems your chakras are out of Googi-googi, so buy a crystal and read this book." 

Dreams are like a really bad movie.  Just like Megaforce, you go through it, you feel weird, and then you try to clean up your sheets and make some meaning out of it.  But like those sheets, and that copy of Megaforce, you should keep it to yourself.