Does anyone even remember boxing? It's something I've been thinking about since within the last two weeks I recently took up some of my old fighting workouts. The logic goes that if I was in the shape of my life when I was training to fight, and I'm not in good shape now that I'm not training to fight, the best thing to do is go out to the garage, skip rope, and hit the heavy bag while humming Hearts on Fire.
To clarify, I was never a boxer - there's no good word for what I did. I was a Tae Kwon Do-er. (as opposed to a Tae Kwon Do-n't ...Ha, sometimes I am so funny). The preferred nomenclature of course is "Karate Fighter," which sounds super awesome and also bad assed. It's retro in an unironic way, like it's the last thing in the world where you could be it, and also still believe in yourself, and team up with your buddy to rescue the president from punks who have also kidnapped the girl you love - and you never knew! You didn't know you loved her until she walked out of your life, but now you've got a chance to win her back, so go to her - GO TO HER!
Both sports got sort of co-opted by MMA, or as my hardcore friends M-Murder and J-Vizzle call it, "Ultimate Bro Punch." MMA is one half of the answer to old criticisms martial artists used to level against their sport, the first being that in point matches there was no accounting for strength and toughness because speed was everything - tap someone on the bean, earn a point. In fact, more often than not, you'd get DQ'd if you did real physical damage to your opponent. The second criticism was one leveled at "forms" (Kata in karate, Hyung in Tae Kwon Do, etc) - the old "who cares if it looks pretty so long as it works." The answer to the pretty kata question is modern competitive martial arts which look mostly like gymnastics with weak, unconvincing punches and sparkly, sparkly weapons.
The answer to the pain and strength question is MMA, about which there is nothing pretty. This sport involves two bro-dudes going at it hammer-and-tongs trying to knock each other out or into submission, which naturally leads to all sorts of commentary about bro-dudes getting down to seriously press the flesh. Each others flesh. into each other. Pounding. Man-pounding.
The metaphor is so obvious it's not even really funny. Everyone can look at MMA and call it gay, but just like the epithet of "karate fighter," it's almost above that - like dream analysis, that sort of criticism is the province of the amateur going for the cheap laugh. Yes, it's some half-naked sweaty men rolling around on the ground together. Yes, gay porn is actually less suggestive than some MMA bouts. But real life is not metonomy - two bro-dudes fighting each other does NOT mean they want to have sex with each other. WRITING about two bro-dudes fighting each other MAY mean they want to have sex with each other, but only if that's your angle. Sorry, but London's "A Piece of Steak" is not really open to queer theory reads.
Arguably, MMA is safer than boxing - something hard to believe at a glance. It's certainly safer than an actual brawl since no one is likely to stab you with a busted beer bottle or a sock full of rocks. The only thing missing is the class. I think that's what most critics are really banging on - where is the audience dressed to the nines with big cigars and pretty girls on their arms? Where are the limousines? The champagne?
What they're missing, these critics, is that MMA more accurately reflects the roots of boxing than boxing has in a long time. Think bare knuckles, think blind pig back alley matches - think Rocky I for pet's sake, not Rocky 5.
I won't rag on Rocky Balboa as I've not seen it, and as it's about an aging fighter getting back in shape against all odds, I don't want to talk too much crap. For the record, the lack of Talia Shire is sort of a deal breaker for me.
In any case, boxing got big, fat, and dumb and MMA took it down while his cousin, Modern Competitive Martial Arts, tries on his sister's dresses, not that there's anything wrong with that. Boxing became a bloated self-parody, and the best thing to come out of it in the last 20 years was Don King - that's saying something.
The only thing I lament of the whole crumbling enterprise is the fate of those who could or would have been contenders, who studied the sport (and here's the distinction - it is a sport - calling it a fight may be something of a misnomer) and now find no sport remains. Think of the kids fighting Golden Gloves or up at Kronk who are going to spend their youths on training only to discover that, like an over-hunted forest, there is no game left for them.
Guess they can always go to college.
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