Shot Through the Heart

Think hard - have you ever heard anyone say that Valentine's day is their favorite holiday?  Which do you hear more:  "Valentine's day is so awesome" or "Valentine's day is a dumb-ass Hallmark Holiday."  If you answered the last question with "Valentine's day is so awesome," think to when you heard it:  did you also hear the shrieking discordant notes of the Jared Galleria of Jewelers saxophone jingle?  That was a commercial - it doesn't count.  

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I think Valentine's day is a fine chance to go have a nice meal out, it's a passable excuse to blow off any manner of responsibility provided you have some form of date, and (this last point may be the most important: gentlemen) a bottle of semi-decent Chianti and a dozen roses is going to get you in some panties. At no other time of year is the slightest effort and consideration so richly rewarded with booty.

 Didn't even need the wine.

Of course all of this implies that you have someone with whom to spend this most hated of holidays.  If you do, you've got a nice little retreat from the monotony of the everyday, from the cold of winter, from the dreariness of the everyday.  It's gonna cost you the price of a night out, maybe some jewelry, but at least you've got yourself a nice bed warmer and a chance to get out of the house. 

If you don't have anyone, there's a very good chance that you're wallowing in the middle of a lacey pink depress-a-thon.

There are a lot of things to hate about Valentines day.  First, it always comes in the middle of winter.  It's nasty out - there are only two colors in all of nature's palette:  blinding snow white and grungy gray-brown.  The trees are bare.  The grass is dead.  The birds are gone.  Spring is still at least 2 cold dreary months away. Somehow, someone decided we should have a holiday in the middle of all this.

No hope, no hope at all. 

Second, if you're alone on Valentine's day, there is no way the world is going to let you forget it.  Maybe you're mostly okay with that, and I wish you and your cats all the best, but anybody with an ounce of sensitivity is going to notice the cold spot on the other side of their bed.  

Now you'd think this would be prime hookup time, right?  I mean, here you've got this holiday reminding everyone just how desperate and alone they are, so why doesn't everyone simply drop all pretenses, find some other lonely heart pounding Bourbon at the bar, take them to a hotel room and hit it like an ugly stepchild? 

Because desperation is a foul perfume, and two people hooking up on Valnetine's day like as not know that they are bottom feeding.  Remember, between the weather and the solitude we've got a pretty intense depression going on, and if you've ever hung around depressed people, you know that sexy isn't the first thing to come to mind.  

 She wanna do the wild thing.

When we think of spontaneous Valentine's day hookups, we imagine oh-well-what-the-hell flings, naughty little trysts between two people who ought to "know better" but just go ahead and throw convention out the window.  It seems like it ought to be spontaneous rough sex after a cheap bottle of wine with some funny story behind it - a bottle of wine that you bought at a gas station. 

But think of how this sort of hook-up happens.  One person calls the other and says "I was thinking, since I don't have a date and you don't have a date..." - it starts with a brutal reinforcement of loneliness.  I'm alone, you're alone.  The subsequent togetherness is secondary.  Both people have been reduced to "consolation prize" status.

Here's what it's really like:  two lonely people put forth the bare minimum of effort to lurch their way to an appointed rendezvous.  For the sake of verisimilitude we might say that the man bothered to shave, but for the sake of effect we will presume he did not.  He's wearing a flannel shirt and very comfortable shoes.  She is also wearing comfortable shoes, and she has her hair pulled back in a ponytail.  

We could...set the night to Mu-sic!

They go out to dinner - probably to Denny's, or Waffle House, or IHOP, somewhere cheap and informal for which they do not need reservations. He brought flowers, which was sort of nice, but it's not a romantic bouquet because he doesn't want to send the wrong signal - the bunch he's brought would look more at home on mother's day.  

The conversation is awkward.  Eye contact is nearly impossible to maintain. There's no chemistry except for a sort of bewildered eagerness to get to where they're going.  It's not about romance - it's about inertia.  They're in too deep, and now they are going to see this thing through to the bitter end. 

After dinner, they go back to her place.  It's closer. No springing for a hotel since that would just be a big waste of money.  Is her room clean?  No, it is not.  They leave the lights off. The sex is mercifully short, and he's dressed and out the door before the sweat dries.  They never speak of this again. 

 Yes, like that.

So couples, it's definitely your holiday.  Guys, you're probably putting up with a lot of pink hearts and saccharine cards, and your reasons are your own.  Maybe you're making a big production out of the holiday out of real  genuine affection, or maybe you're just playing along to get a little trim.  Ladies, Hallmark and DeBeers have been telling me for 33 years that you like this sort of stuff, and as none of you have broken me of the notion I will continue to assume that it's a pretty big deal for you. 

At the end of the day, we all have to take Valentine's day for what it's worth.  Singles, just remember that it's a Hallmark holiday, a perverse warping of the martyrdom of Priest Valens of Rome by the emperor Claudius - an event which in all likelihood never even happened (very poor records that are magically cleaned up right about the time the church needs a new saint). In that spirit, take the night to just fuck off - don't watch some sweet romantic comedy and think a bunch of misty-eyed if-only's;   Get drunk and watch Gladiator. 

Ladies, this is a good chance to squeeze something out of your man - a present, a dinner out - it's really your night and you can call the shots.  Guys, so what if it's a hallmark holiday?  So once a year someone comes along and reminds you to be nice to a lady? Don't act all put out, and remember that "put out" is probably the operative phrase here.