Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I Would Kill You All for One Sweet, Sweet Puff

Evidently, it doesn't suck enough that I'm staring down the barrel of crushing poverty, bewildering uncertainty, and the cruel likelihood of going back to kitchen work for sub-standard wages and the chance to lose a finger to a deli slicer.  On top of all that, I'm also quitting smoking.

Some of you who have known me for a long time are all like "Durr durr durr, you quit smoking when you were 23" and then some of you are like "Herp a derp derp, you quit smoking when you were 28," but rather obviously I keep going back to it.

This is what every smoker looks like, especially me

And I'm pretty sure I'll go back to it again.  Why?  Because most smokers do this - they quit for a bit, then go back to it when things get tough, or it looks like fun, and then we're back up to half a pack or a pack a day before quitting again and restarting the whole cycle. 

I know someone is saying, I know people who've quit for good - so do I, that's why I said "most" smokers up above.  Also, before holding up your smoke-free messiah, you should ask a couple of questions. 

1) Did this non-smoker "quit for good" less than a year ago? 

If so, I'm not impressed. I started smoking when I was 11 years old, and the longest span I went without one was just under 4 years.  During that time, oh my god, I could not walk past a smoker without talking about how I was soooo strong and soooo much healthier because I'd quit smoking for good and would never, ever, ever in a million years go back to it, which brings me to the second question. 

The habits we learn early are the ones that FUCK YOU GIVE ME A CIGARETTE

2) Is the non-smoker a total douchenozzle? 

Because douchenozzle assholes can quit smoking pretty easily.  Blah blah willpower, blah blah dedication to healthy living - you're a fucking asshole and nobody likes you.  Congratulations, you're not going to die at 60 from emphysema - you're going to die at 30 from me stabbing you in the neck with a bic pen shiv because you won't shut the fuck up.  

That's why I'm so pissed about the Michigan smoking ban that will take effect in, holy fuck, 3 weeks.  Smokers are losing the right to smoke because self-righteous ass ranchers are all like "OMG teh CHILDRENZ!!!!11  Someone think of them and also waitresses!"  

Smoking hot and SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GIVE ME A GODDAMNED CIGARETTE

Hey, fuck you - you don't want to smoke?  Stay home.  Nobody likes you anyway because you're a non-smoking cock stapler.  Sit in your house, duct tape the windows shut, and breath through a gas mask.  Wear surgical gloves when you handle money, scrub yourself with bleach, and pad the corners of your house with foam rubber.  You want to live in happy candy-cane safe world?  Buy a house, make your own velveteen prison.

Right, getting off track - haven't had a cigarette in three days.  Urge to kill rising.  I'm quitting because it's super expensive (again, thank every non-smoking ass you've ever met) and because I can't run a mile without hacking up a lung.  I'm just trying to think of a way to not be an ass about it.  Wish me luck, don't mind me if I seem distracted and short tempered.  I'll probably be back at it in a few months, but for now it's time to get some lung power back.

Also, I just learned that April is Cancer Month.  

FUCK YOU. 

 AAGGGH FUCK YOU TOO


Posted by Vytautas Malesh at 7:27 AM
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5 comments:

  1. Herp, derpity-derp: You also quit when we were 17, during swim season. I was amazed at how you were seemingly able to turn it off to go swim & dive, and then turn it back on after the county meet. (Acknowledged: We were SEVENTEEN with invincible adolescent physiology.)

    Given your mood, I'll let the non-smoker broad-brushing slide. You know I'm first in the long line of those who want you to be free to light up at establishments x, y, and z. We have the usual bastions of experimental politics to thank for this: So, thanks a heap, CA & NY! Thanks for pissing off all my smoking friends. You're soooooo "progressive!"
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  2. Yeah, I wrote this last night and I was pissy - it is definitely harder to just start and stop now. It wasn't a cake walk at 17, but now it's just infuriating.

    This is day 4, and so the real nasty cravings are gone, but I keep doing things like getting up to go have one when *surprise* - there are none. It's kind of like how I used to quit smoking and then dream that I smoked, making me think that I actually had smoked, and so I might as well just smoke since I was smoking again. It's pretty F'd up.

    Anyhoo, yeah, I liked not smoking more when it wasn't forced on me, you know? Then it felt like a conscious choice. Now it feels like some bespectacled little poindexter with a nasally voice is whining about his Aaaaaasthma and how he can't breeeathe and teacher says you can't smooooke.
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  3. Sorry, but I am so for smoking bans. Having lived in MI without one and CO with one, I can tell you that I much prefer the ban -- even when I want a cigarette. (For the record, I smoked regularly and fairly heavily from age 17 to age 23. Mostly quit upon graduating from law school. Still smoke the occasional drunken cig. My mom still smokes and is also for the ban for similar reasons to me -- neither of us has ever been down with smoking indoors. It's just yucky.) Not having to wash my hair when I come home from a restaurant is priceless.
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  4. Also, quitting was horrible. What helped me (must be my inner Prussian) was creating lots of rules about when I could smoke. I made the hoops I had to jump through progressively harder until not smoking was actually easier.
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  5. I just sort of taunt myself - I'm like what's the matter, can't make it through the day without a cigarette? MAN UP! and it works pretty well.
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