Then again, if your entire life is going to be devoted to jingoistic fascism, Catherine Bell, and dirty kleenex, then maybe you, sir, have learned more than I could ever teach, and god bless. Otherwise, let's get you the fuck out of town!
I am so fucking interested in maritime law
First things first: can you do me a little favor? Just a little one? Tiny, like 2 seconds? Okay, fill out this quick survey:
Survey:
Do you speak another language besides English?
Answer key:
Yes: whole continents are yours to explore.
No: enjoy your trip to Iowa.
That's a misrepresentation of course - you'll find plenty of helpful English speakers in most major cities in Europe. Iit's just...well, you kind of mark yourself as an imperial. Anyone who saw the stunning season finale of Gossip Girl knows that drunkenly bumbling around in fancy clothes and not speaking the language is a really good way to get taken advantage of, be that fiscally or rectally, whatever you happen to have on you.
Mmmm watcha sayyyyy...mmm that you only meant well?
As I've only spent significant time in Europe and had a long vacation in Israel, I'm not going to say anything about South America, Africa, the Arab Middle-East or Southeast Asia - I'll leave it for anyone qualified to fill in blanks in the comments section, but I will say judging by my time in the Southwest that if you're looking to go to Mexico, head for Mexico City or Cancun. In other words, think more "spring break" Mexico and less "Maria Full of Grace" Mexico.
Wherever you're going, you still have to get there. That takes a bit of doing.
If the distance to your destination is less than 300 miles, well, what the fuck - you're American! Get in your car and drive! Oh, so sorry that your butt hurts - it's barely half a day of travel. I've driven across this giant country three times. I'm not impressed that you're soooo exhausted after your morning commute - I've driven through fucking Wyoming.
Wyoming - more nothing per capita than any state
If your destination is over 300 miles away, it may be time to fly. Along both coasts, hopper shuttle flights are very cheap. Like honestly, it is costing you more to just stop working and read this blog than it costs to take a shuttle flight from New York to Philadelphia (per the reputable source that is my ace boon coon D20).
If you want to see anything in America, the cost of the actual transit should be the least of your concerns. Despite huge jumps in the last 10 years, we've still got some of the cheapest gas in the world, and since even driving down boring-ass I-80 can teach you a lot about this country, it's worth the expense. Like did you know that Wyoming is the most boring fucking place in the entire fucking world? I know that firsthand!
For international travel, flight is obviously your only real choice since there's probably a big wet ocean between you and your destination. While yes, Canada is another country, a drive from Detroit to Windsor is really pushing any definition of "going abroad." Since this is a blog for the cheap traveler, we need to focus on how to get abroad with a minimum of expense. Luckily, it is not difficult to find a cheap flight.
If you want to see anything in America, the cost of the actual transit should be the least of your concerns. Despite huge jumps in the last 10 years, we've still got some of the cheapest gas in the world, and since even driving down boring-ass I-80 can teach you a lot about this country, it's worth the expense. Like did you know that Wyoming is the most boring fucking place in the entire fucking world? I know that firsthand!
For international travel, flight is obviously your only real choice since there's probably a big wet ocean between you and your destination. While yes, Canada is another country, a drive from Detroit to Windsor is really pushing any definition of "going abroad." Since this is a blog for the cheap traveler, we need to focus on how to get abroad with a minimum of expense. Luckily, it is not difficult to find a cheap flight.
In Soviet Russia, BAGGAGE checks in YOU!
I've had a lot of success using Bing travel - it was great when it was branded as Farecast, and Microsoft apparently gave them quite a hardware bump because the site is faster than before. Bing tells you not just what a flight costs, but what it's going to cost if you can wait a week or two. This spares you the normal travel hassle of trying to figure out if you're flying to a strange destination in the middle of a holiday season or during a slow span when nobody is flying in or out.
There are other options, though. One is to hit up a local "bucket shop." These are small travel agencies that only sell tickets to one region, or 4 or 5 countries. These shops usually service built-up ethnic populations - think Chinatown, Koreantown, Mexicantown...any of the "-towns." You may also have cheap ticket options because you are a student, or because you belong to some sort of organization that works out regular deals to fly for cheap.
While the movie Eurotrip got a lot of people interested in flying courier class, I haven't heard much good said about it. It's better for spontaneous get-up-and-goers who don't have any commitments. Usually it's a cheap flight and not a free flight (thus shattering misconception number one) and you fly at the hiring party's liesure and convenience. Furthermore, Michelle Trachtenberg will not sleep with you (and so goes misconception number two).
Once you get to your destination, you still have to get around. Despite a lot of good and qualified advice, I did not buy a Eurail pass. I am an idiot - buy a Eurail pass. I thought that because the pass was not good in Eastern Europe that it wouldn't be a good bargain. Guess what? 3 train rides in Eastern Europe versus 12 rides in the West - I paid for them all one at a time, and the cost added up fast.
So don't do what I did - when you get where you're going, learn the rail and bus systems immediately. In Europe, that means getting a Eurail pass and learning to read a train schedule. This is not quite as easy as you'd think since, go figure, foreigners like to call places by their foreign names: while you're looking for the bus to Ivansberg, the buss to Upside-down-T-capital-Q-backwards-K-berg is leaving the station.
BUT a Eurail pass is still an intimidating first purchase, and you can get around even more cheaply. I met a man in Heidelberg who never paid for train rides. He went first-class everywhere because, as I learned, you can buy a first-class ticket while on the train (though this is not why he rode first class). As he explained it, he would go to the beverage car, drink a beer, and wait for the ticket-taker. When he saw the ticket-taker, he would go to the bathroom and wait until the ticket-taker passed. Then, come back out and continue on to his destination unmolested. This way, if he were caught he could just buy a ticket and no harm would be done, but 9 times out of 10 he got where he was going for free.
In less paranoid parts of the world, people still hitch-hike. I can't recommend it, especially if you don't speak the language. The modern equivalent of hitch hiking is ridesharing, and this comes highly recommended. A Canadian friend of mine got all over Germany and into France just by going to a website and offering to pitch in a few Euro for gas. Basically, you're just along for a ride with someone who doesn't like to be alone on long car trips. These people are usually just interested in getting a little gas money and meeting new people, and they're usually not too "molesty."
Still, I'd bring my own refreshments if I were you.
So now you know how to get where you're going, and you've got some ideas of how to get around when you get there. In the next post, I'll talk a bit about where to stay and how to arrange it.
There are other options, though. One is to hit up a local "bucket shop." These are small travel agencies that only sell tickets to one region, or 4 or 5 countries. These shops usually service built-up ethnic populations - think Chinatown, Koreantown, Mexicantown...any of the "-towns." You may also have cheap ticket options because you are a student, or because you belong to some sort of organization that works out regular deals to fly for cheap.
While the movie Eurotrip got a lot of people interested in flying courier class, I haven't heard much good said about it. It's better for spontaneous get-up-and-goers who don't have any commitments. Usually it's a cheap flight and not a free flight (thus shattering misconception number one) and you fly at the hiring party's liesure and convenience. Furthermore, Michelle Trachtenberg will not sleep with you (and so goes misconception number two).
Dream on, pedo
Once you get to your destination, you still have to get around. Despite a lot of good and qualified advice, I did not buy a Eurail pass. I am an idiot - buy a Eurail pass. I thought that because the pass was not good in Eastern Europe that it wouldn't be a good bargain. Guess what? 3 train rides in Eastern Europe versus 12 rides in the West - I paid for them all one at a time, and the cost added up fast.
So don't do what I did - when you get where you're going, learn the rail and bus systems immediately. In Europe, that means getting a Eurail pass and learning to read a train schedule. This is not quite as easy as you'd think since, go figure, foreigners like to call places by their foreign names: while you're looking for the bus to Ivansberg, the buss to Upside-down-T-capital-Q-backwards-K-berg is leaving the station.
BUT a Eurail pass is still an intimidating first purchase, and you can get around even more cheaply. I met a man in Heidelberg who never paid for train rides. He went first-class everywhere because, as I learned, you can buy a first-class ticket while on the train (though this is not why he rode first class). As he explained it, he would go to the beverage car, drink a beer, and wait for the ticket-taker. When he saw the ticket-taker, he would go to the bathroom and wait until the ticket-taker passed. Then, come back out and continue on to his destination unmolested. This way, if he were caught he could just buy a ticket and no harm would be done, but 9 times out of 10 he got where he was going for free.
Deutsche Bahn. Or, as the last story illustrated: Douche Bag
Still, I'd bring my own refreshments if I were you.
Would you like a pepsi? Have this one - I opened it for you.
So now you know how to get where you're going, and you've got some ideas of how to get around when you get there. In the next post, I'll talk a bit about where to stay and how to arrange it.
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