Clowns to the Left of me, Jokers to the Right

This last Sunday, I had a whimsical daydream and set my Facebook status to:

As I continue this job search, I wonder:  Is it stupid to think of going for my PhD, or just Crazy? 

Though hardly a universal response, the consensus was that it was in fact stupid AND crazy to go back for my PhD.  Responses ranged from "...why not? its not like you've got anything better to do, right?" to "I believe that going back to school is a way for people to avoid dealing with harder realities in life" and the ultimate in dissuasion:  "You'll be dead!" though I think that last one might have just been a Star Wars quote out of context. 

Power converters! 

Naturally, the question begged by the commencement of doctoral study is:  why?  The answer for me is flat-out vanity.  I'd like to be called "Dr. Malesh," and to satisfy the dull curiosity that I have about the limits of my discipline (though to be clear, I wouldn't get a PhD in creative writing, I'd be going for English and Literature, which is not even really my thing).  

One of the commenters on my status pointed out that a BA didn't get me a job, an MFA didn't get me a job, so why would I think a PhD would get me a job?  He's right - checking behind door number three would result in a bonus prize of nothing - absorutery nothing.  I so stupid. 

Supplies!

In the interest of clarity, I've never really considered my degree a job-getting tool.  I only consider it to be such when I get confused (which is pretty often) and kind of fall into the rhetoric of people who say that it is, which is honestly just about everyone.  The world is glutted with English scholars, some good, some bad, but all contributing to an overpopulation of liberal-minded word nerds.  Finishing college after dropping out was a very personal thing for me, a need to complete a failed quest.  The graduate degree was an effort to see that line of scholarship to its logical end.  The resultant unemployment and alienation from anything resembling a normal workplace is just a happy bonus. 

But what about something that really would be a worthwhile career tool?  Something that would make for a great source of contacts, provide valuable job training, ameliorate my student debt, and let me travel?  Oh god, yes, here we go - time to talk about the prospect of joining the Navy. 

Creepy uncle is violating more than Don't Ask, Don't Tell

It's an idea I've entertained more than once, both when things were flush and when they are thin (as they are now).  Although the pay isn't great for anyone with a "real" job, it beats the hell out of any salary I've made in the last 3 years.  They don't pay for all of your school, but they have programs that would chop my loan debts down to size - plus you get good medical and dental, and all the other usual benefits of military service, namely banging waitresses and hangers-on from the parasitic little "army towns" that spring up around military bases and feed on the soldiers stationed there in the name of "supporting the troops." 

I digress - the thing to remember is that on paper it's a good offer, and one that people keep waving under my nose.  On paper it's three hots and a cot, easy money, and a guaranteed job for 4-6 years.  On paper, why would I ever do anything else? 

Shall you? Oh, shall you? 

Probably the whole "not really looking to get shot int he face and die" thing, coupled with the "I would just be doing it as another job, and I find jingoism contemptible" thing. How the hell does a left-leaning over-educated douchenozzle like myself even begin to take orders from a mouth-breathing drill sergeant or toe the line with a bunch of pants-pissing 18-year-olds? How the hell does a pot-bellied hedonist with weak ankles and bad knees even make it through basic training?  

My point in mentioning all this is that I've got some pretty extreme options set before me, none of which do I fully believe in. The academy is just distant enough in my mind that it seems like a lilac-scented lollipop fun land where every day is a creative challenge and every professor sings songs of welcome at their office hours. Contrarily, the military option is being suggested to me by people who have not been themselves, and keep getting the same brochure in the mail that I got when I was 18.  Both options are being presented through a rose-colored haze that sounds vaguely like someone sighing a sweet chorus of "what could possibly go wrong?" and the answer is, naturally, everything.

Boom - headshot

So there's the take-away, kids - don't buy anything people are trying to sell you, because money talks and bullshit walks.  In both of my extremes, it seems like people are piling the bullshit high and deep, and there's a lot of sweet promises that will like as not go unfulfilled.  An advanced degree in astrophysics is one thing - an advanced degree in comparative English lit is another; likewise the promises a recruiter makes to get you into fatigues is rolled in  honey and dipped in sugar, but the accounts I hear of military service usually sound more like vinegar and tears.  Also: dismemberment.

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