For the uninitiated, Jobbie Nooner is basically about 8 hours of the Boats and Hoes video from Stepbrothers. It's a mix of Michigan boat culture and Mardi Gras - girls with orange tans and fuzzy cowboy hats smoking cheap cigarettes and flashing their tits for fat guys with chin strap or door knocker beard-staches who use all of the money from their landscaping businesses to buy plastic beads to throw at the girls who show them their tits.
It's all very urbane.
Every time I cum I produce a quart
I like naked chicks as much as the next guy, but I probably hate obviousness by several orders of magnitude more. Yes, I get it, we're all here to drink beer and objectify women, and this is supposed to give me a big hard-on, but there are honestly so many degrees of interoperable sexual politic here that I have absolutely no idea just who is hustling who. So guys get to see tits and girls get...beads? I mean, am I supposed to think that the girls are empowered because, by showing their tits, they are manipulating guys? That guys are overpowering women because they see tits in exchange for beads? My mind = blown.
Honestly, I'm a killjoy at functions like this. I say pretty much exactly what I just wrote above, but also laced with comments like "What did your dad do to you that makes you act like that?" or alternately, one of my favorites, "I'm sorry, the only thing that turns me on is self-respect." I don't really know why I'm going except that, like Faye Dunawaye's character in Barfly, I will follow a bottle of booze waved in my face, which is pretty much what's happening tomorrow. I've been promised free, repercussion-free booze and I mean to indulge.
I posted the picture above because I'm going to fucking strangle someone if I hear that song again, which I will, because a shitload of the people who own boats are unoriginal fucking douche knockers who like to throw beads at girls who are too smart to lay them but who, on the auspicious occasion of Jobbie Nooner, will show them their titties. So they play music, loudly, that has something to do with boats, or water...so it's "On a Boat" or "All Summer Long" or "Baby Beluga" or fucking whatever song is about boating and also hot at the moment.
Yay.
So call it a sociological experiment - OR, maybe, I can check my pretentiousness for a few hours and just see some nipples and drink some beer and call it a good day. Either way, off I go. I hate obviousness, but I hate missing a party even more, so on Monday you can expect an after-action report. Unless the whole thing sucks. Then I'll post nude pictures. They won't be of me. In any case, I've got a 5th of Gordon's and a 30 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Bottoms up, hoes - I'm on a boat.
Honestly, I'm a killjoy at functions like this. I say pretty much exactly what I just wrote above, but also laced with comments like "What did your dad do to you that makes you act like that?" or alternately, one of my favorites, "I'm sorry, the only thing that turns me on is self-respect." I don't really know why I'm going except that, like Faye Dunawaye's character in Barfly, I will follow a bottle of booze waved in my face, which is pretty much what's happening tomorrow. I've been promised free, repercussion-free booze and I mean to indulge.
Fuck your boat - I hope it sinks and you drown
I posted the picture above because I'm going to fucking strangle someone if I hear that song again, which I will, because a shitload of the people who own boats are unoriginal fucking douche knockers who like to throw beads at girls who are too smart to lay them but who, on the auspicious occasion of Jobbie Nooner, will show them their titties. So they play music, loudly, that has something to do with boats, or water...so it's "On a Boat" or "All Summer Long" or "Baby Beluga" or fucking whatever song is about boating and also hot at the moment.
Yay.
So call it a sociological experiment - OR, maybe, I can check my pretentiousness for a few hours and just see some nipples and drink some beer and call it a good day. Either way, off I go. I hate obviousness, but I hate missing a party even more, so on Monday you can expect an after-action report. Unless the whole thing sucks. Then I'll post nude pictures. They won't be of me. In any case, I've got a 5th of Gordon's and a 30 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Bottoms up, hoes - I'm on a boat.
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