But that doesn't mean I have no regrets. Indeed, just because it's presumably easier to regret something you have done as opposed to something you haven't doesn't mean by any stretch of the imagination that I don't do regrettable things. Nevermind what they are - sufficed to say I've done them.
Not quite that bad, but pretty bad
The important thing to remember about dealing with regret is that it can only make you feel as bad as you let it. That's a paraphrase of an Eleanor Roosevelt quote I've always liked (and have used before), but it's apt. Each of us has a million and one things we can look at from our past that make us cringe, but the question to ask yourself is: why?
I would lump most of my regrettable actions into things that were at the time embarrassing. No, I'm not going to say what they were - just imagine one of your own embarrassing little faux pas and assume that it was I who committed it. But the funny thing about embarrassment is that typically, you are the only person who remembers it. Thus, it seems that any regret stemming from embarrassment should abate within a reasonably short span of time after committing the act.
This picture is so quintessentially internet that now it's not
And yet it doesn't. Such incidents haunt us years after the fact and we slink around with our heads down, ashamed, remembering drunk texts, inappropriate comments, and spectacular pratfalls. To what end? For what purpose? Surely, some Neck-bearded Ladder Theorist / Evolutionary Psychologist would point out that the point of remembering embarrassing incidents is so that you remember not to commit them again, a hypothesis that I'm actually willing to accept at face value, so as far as I'm concerned I'm satisfied. Someone calls you out for having your fly down = learn to not walk around with your fly down. Good enough for moi.
Cool story, bro - I award you 1000 internets
But what about the bigger regrets? What about something like getting locked into a house that's now 100% underwater? What about marrying someone you shouldn't have? What about those big life-changing decisions you made 5-10 years ago that are only now starting to catch up with you? What about the things so huge that learning not to do them again would be moot?
My contention is that these things, though typically called "regrettable decisions," are not actually cause for regret. I'm not one usually for talking about "sin" in any traditional context, but regret to me is tantamount to despair - where despair is the hopelessness and helplessness that eventually leads to self-destruction, regret is a disavowal of one's own past, a desire to have the past be different, and thus affect the present. It is despair in reverse - a despair of the past.
For me, at any rate, it's worth looking at Western last names, and I of course mean the really obvious ones: Miller, Smith, Shepherd, Cooper, and so on. In Western culture, what you do very much defines who you are, to the point that your twelve-times great grandfather's job gave your entire line the last name you have. To regret is to resent what you have done, and to resent what you have done is in part a reflection of self-resentment. No, a person is not entirely what they have done, but action informs perception, including self-perception.
I posted a picture of Adam and Eve's expulsion from the Garden of Eden for good reason, and to explain it I would invoke a quote: In every life, some rain must fall. Not could, not might, but must. I find this to be delightfully profound - the notion that a life is not a life at all without hardship. Those dark and damp experiences that we so often regret are in fact formative. No, not all "rain" is simply regrettable action, but regrettable action certainly fits within that category.
So of those actions that cause hardship - I say embrace them. Get to know them. Consider: did you know at the time that your action would end badly? If not, well, that's nothing to feel bad about - the market tanked, your wife went frigid, your husband is a bum, well, these things happen, often without warning. The other point to consider is: can you do something about it now? Then do so. Fix the problem, you'll feel better, and if the problem is unfix-able, then at least you can learn to live with it. Embrace what you've done as a contributing element of identity, and remember that identity is fluid. Don't like being the guy who got drunk and told off all his friends? Don't be. Do something else to outshine that facet of your being, but own up to it - be it for a little while, and then do something else that merits being something else.
This all sounds very new-age self-helpy, but it's been on my mind for a couple of days. If you want something less maudlin, how about running around screaming "NO REGRETS! WOOOOO!" Or if you want something more maudlin, you could also say "The only thing constant...is CHANGE!!!111one." Either way, just remember - nobody cares about this shit as much as you do, and only you can do anything about it.
GTFO n00bs!
For me, at any rate, it's worth looking at Western last names, and I of course mean the really obvious ones: Miller, Smith, Shepherd, Cooper, and so on. In Western culture, what you do very much defines who you are, to the point that your twelve-times great grandfather's job gave your entire line the last name you have. To regret is to resent what you have done, and to resent what you have done is in part a reflection of self-resentment. No, a person is not entirely what they have done, but action informs perception, including self-perception.
I posted a picture of Adam and Eve's expulsion from the Garden of Eden for good reason, and to explain it I would invoke a quote: In every life, some rain must fall. Not could, not might, but must. I find this to be delightfully profound - the notion that a life is not a life at all without hardship. Those dark and damp experiences that we so often regret are in fact formative. No, not all "rain" is simply regrettable action, but regrettable action certainly fits within that category.
Fuckin' metaphors - how do they work?
So of those actions that cause hardship - I say embrace them. Get to know them. Consider: did you know at the time that your action would end badly? If not, well, that's nothing to feel bad about - the market tanked, your wife went frigid, your husband is a bum, well, these things happen, often without warning. The other point to consider is: can you do something about it now? Then do so. Fix the problem, you'll feel better, and if the problem is unfix-able, then at least you can learn to live with it. Embrace what you've done as a contributing element of identity, and remember that identity is fluid. Don't like being the guy who got drunk and told off all his friends? Don't be. Do something else to outshine that facet of your being, but own up to it - be it for a little while, and then do something else that merits being something else.
This all sounds very new-age self-helpy, but it's been on my mind for a couple of days. If you want something less maudlin, how about running around screaming "NO REGRETS! WOOOOO!" Or if you want something more maudlin, you could also say "The only thing constant...is CHANGE!!!111one." Either way, just remember - nobody cares about this shit as much as you do, and only you can do anything about it.
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