Welcome to Celebrity Forum on Sardonic Shock Syndrome. We have two exciting guest commentators today, each of whom will take turns commenting on a hot and controversial news topic. Today's topic is:
LeBron James Announces that he will be playing for the Miami Heat next season.
Let's introduce our panelists:
Our economy's based on LeBron James
Lebron James is a 6'8" Small Forward now playing for the Miami Heat after a stellar career with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He was one of the youngest initiates into professional basketball and to this day holds numerous "youngest player" records, as well as coveted MVP and Rookie of the Year awards.
...
Oscar Grant is a two-time convicted felon, a GED holder, and a father of one. His past career highlights have included Butcher's Assistant at Farmer Joe's Market, and numerous cook and cashier positions at Kentucky Fried Chicken. He found himself in the national spotlight this last January when a pair of BART officers pinned him to the ground and shot him in the back.
Moderator: Alright, let's begin. Lebron, you're the man of the hour, so why don't you start it off.
LeBron James: Don't mind if I do. I think I decided this morning, then I talked with my mom. Once I had that conversation with her I think I was set.
Moderator: So this was definitely a family decision?
LeBron James: Oh definitely, I wouldn't have made the switch if I hadn't talked to my mom.
Moderator: That's great to hear, you know? That you're so successful-
LeBron James: I know, I know...
Moderator: So successful, but you still keep that close with your family, that's just great. Oscar Grant from Oakland California, your thoughts?
Oscar Grant: ...
Michael Jordan's is bigger
Moderator: Seems we're having some communication trouble here. Lebron, let's go back to you. Any regrets about leaving Cleveland?
LeBron James: For the most part, what affected the decision, the major factor was the best opportunity to win now and to win in the future.
Moderator: Sure, but what about Dan Gilbert's accusatory letter posted to the Cleveland Cavalier's website in which he called your decision, and I quote, "cowardly betrayal" and a "shocking act of disloyalty," and also proclaiming that, and I'm still quoting, "I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER 'KING' WINS ONE."
LeBron James: Winning is a huge thing for me.
Moderator: Of course, but what about the suggestion of your former coach that, and I'll paraphrase, “[you] will be taking the ‘curse’ with [you] down south. And until [you do] ‘right’ by Cleveland and Ohio
LeBron James: I wanted to do what was best for LeBron James ... At the end of the day, I feel awful. I feel even worse that I wasn’t able to bring an NBA championship to that city.
Net Worth: 90 Million Dollars, or about 6,000 Oscar Grants, give or take
Moderator: Fair enough - Oscar Grant, do we have you online yet?
Oscar Grant: ...
Moderator: Still having some problems there, and it seems we're almost out of time. Lebron, any closing notes?
LeBron James: I never wanted to leave Cleveland
Moderator: Oscar, want to wrap up?
Oscar Grant: ...
LeBron James: He's dead, you know.
Moderator: Sure, I...er...what?
LeBron James: He's dead. Oscar Grant is dead. He was laying face down on the ground with one cop kneeling on his head while another cop shot him.
I will never criticize camera phones again
Moderator: Wow...I had no idea.
LeBron James: Yeah, well, I'm kind of in the headlines, plus he got shot, like, 7 months ago.
Moderator: And how'd that turn out.
LeBron James: His killer got a slap on the wrist yesterday.
Moderator: Holy shit, really? Let me pull this up here...so, a guy gets shot to death by the police, then, and I'm reading this now, the cop claims he was reaching for his taser, pulled his gun out by mistake, and shot the man to death?
LeBron James: Yeah, the old "Oops, butterfingers!" defense.
Moderator: I can't help but to Imagine if this took place in Maryland, Illinois, or Massachusetts where it is illegal to videotape an officer performing his duties. It seems to me that this whole thing would devolve into hearsay!
Lebron James: Have you seen the tape? It's kind of - you know, you see him do it, but was it on purpose? Was it a real accident? I mean, you have to acknowledge that the cops are doing a tough job, and that stress and the possibility for danger have to be factors. He does seem to have a sort of "Ooops" vibe about him after he shoots.
Moderator: But we're talking about a human life here - I mean, even if he was just going for his tazer, isn't the cops' over-reliance on less-lethal defense devices akin to cattle-prodding away difficult and delicate situations? Couldn't any regret or remorse be attributed to his own acknowledgment of wrongdoing, as in "Oops, I just killed someone and I'm going to jail?" Doesn't this seem heavy handed and, frankly, borderline Orwellian?
Lebron James: All good points, but it's important to remember that you weren't there for the shooting, or for the trial, or for anything else.
Moderator: Anything you'd want to add to that?
I just...for some reason, and maybe I'm weird, I hear "Yakkity Sax" in my head
Lebron James: Have you seen the tape? It's kind of - you know, you see him do it, but was it on purpose? Was it a real accident? I mean, you have to acknowledge that the cops are doing a tough job, and that stress and the possibility for danger have to be factors. He does seem to have a sort of "Ooops" vibe about him after he shoots.
Moderator: But we're talking about a human life here - I mean, even if he was just going for his tazer, isn't the cops' over-reliance on less-lethal defense devices akin to cattle-prodding away difficult and delicate situations? Couldn't any regret or remorse be attributed to his own acknowledgment of wrongdoing, as in "Oops, I just killed someone and I'm going to jail?" Doesn't this seem heavy handed and, frankly, borderline Orwellian?
Lebron James: All good points, but it's important to remember that you weren't there for the shooting, or for the trial, or for anything else.
Moderator: Anything you'd want to add to that?
Lebron James: Nah, I'm not here either, man.
Moderator: Come again?
LeBron James: I'm rich, I don't have to deal with this shit. Plus, I'm a figment of your imagination.
Moderator: LeBron?
(silence)
Moderator: LeBron? LeBron?
...
(This week's Celebrity Forum was guest-directed by M. Night Shyamalan.)
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