Sure, I was able to tell some guys what girls want them to know. How do I know this? because those same people bringing that post to my attention are by and large female. Or gay. Idiosyncratically, not gay and female at the same time. I digress: Gentlemen, I told you in so many words what women want you to know. I consider it my service to sexuality.
But now, ladies, to even out my Ann Landers advice karma I'm going to take the boy's side (the wonderful androgeny of being a writer - I can take either side when I wish, and chalk any ambiguity up to "artistic license!). There are a few things on every man's mind that women need to hear, and I think I'm the guy to say them even as I work to erode the delineation and distinction between genders. Does that make me a hypocrite? Ask someone who cares.
America's sexiest holocaust denier
Everyone is guilty of over-generalization. See what I just did there? That was F'ing meta. The inverse of "GLA" is "BLS" or "Boys like Sluts." This is on one hand totally true, but you know what? It's also not.
Sure, when some girl wearing short-shorts and a top that she is just obviously ready to burst out of, every guy in the room is going to look, but are we going to pick her up? Do we want to take her home to mom? Do we even want to fuck her? The answer is mostly no, except for the last one, which is probably yes. But: wanting to fuck someone and doing something about it are two different things. See, some of us can actually think two steps ahead and imagine the god awful conversation that will follow the next morning, something along the lines of "I'm only stripping to put myself through college" or, even better, waking up and crying the next morning, then laughing, then crying again, then asking us at length why we called 911 when we she already told me that she has a prior arrest and what the fuck, I thought you loved me!!!
So no, ladies, it is no more true that we like sluts than it is that you like assholes. What we don't like is having sex used as a weapon against us (aka "pussy control") and we sure don't like being tested to see how far we'll go for it (aka "let's keep it real ma, you're savin' it for cabbage"). Do remember that while we love you, and we enjoy your company, and we hope you get along well with our mothers, so help us if you won't give it up in a reasonably timely fashion we know plenty who will, and we've got the painful urination and occasional recurring rash to prove it.
Better do this at her place
2) We do not give a fuck about David Bowie.
David Bowie just confuses us. Labyrinth came out in 1986, and while I personally had pushed past sexual latency by that point, and could recognize Jennifer Connelly would grow up to be a banging hottie, all that movie did for me was to confuse the issue of hteronormity. I mean, I was 12 and I could tell that David Bowie was hot. We all get it - David Bowie is hot.
However, most of us are not bisexual (myself, shockingly, included), and we think the only decent songs he ever did were"Changes" and "Modern Love." Most men cannot name more than 2 other David Bowie songs. Stop asking. Stop insinuating that we're missing out. We don't care. Like, at all. Think of a guy thing that is alien and unsettlingly weird to you, like monster trucks or fist fight - that's how we feel about David Bowie and, while I'm on the subject, Sex in the City.
Lightning mullet chick
3) We do not understand your nuanced inference.
Not to give away trade secrets, but I'm pretty empathic. I'm one of those guys who has a pretty good handle on how people feel and think within 5 minutes of contact. The thing is, ladies, I am believe it or not an especially sensitive guy - I know that YOU can get that same understanding within 2 minutes. Understand that a normal guy needs at least 15 to Infinity minutes to figure this stuff out.
Believe me, I'm on your side! Do you know how onerous it is for me to have to tell people how I feel? Oh my god, gross, right? It's like, when I am unusually silent and slamming my coffee cup down in a certain fashion, you should just get that something is wrong, and by that same body language, you should get whether or not I want to talk about it or whether or not I just want to have my mom bring me a Pepsi so I can work it out myself.
Ladies, again, I'm totally with you, but my fellows from the XY set have even less of a clue than I do. Do the boys a favor - say what you are feeling in short one or two syllable words. We get that. We'll probably try to offer you a beer or say, like, "well hug it out, bitch," so we're not going to be a big help, but understand that this is what consolation looks like to us, and if you can find it in your hearts, please give us a little credit for trying.
More like MAN hug it out, amirite?
4) We really, really don't give a fuck about David Bowie.
Okay, he was great as the walk-off judge in Zoolander, but that's about as much truck as he pulls with us. He is as culturally and socially relevant to us as Gary Gygax is to you, and the fact that you looked that up proves everything.
I've got your dragon RIGHT HERE
So there you have it - you can cancel your Cosmo subscription. I've condensed all of human sexuality into two blog posts. I just hope the Alfred Kinsey estate won't think that I've wantonly overwritten all his hard work. I only see so far because I stand upon the shoulders of giants, who I am smarter than, and also better looking.
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