Let me just say first of all that I think you are just - you're just great. You're beautiful and fun and, well, we grew up together, you know? I know you better than I know myself sometimes. I know your forests and your lakes, your freeways and farms. I even go to those inner city places that most boys won't, and that's because I love you baby. I do it for us.
Of course, sometimes I can get forest and city at the same time
Sometimes, though, I get the feeling that you're not as into us as I am. I mean, and I'm not trying to talk out of turn here, okay? I don't want to disrespect your feelings, but I'm gonna say what I gotta say, and I just don't think you appreciate that I came back here for you.
No, of course, I didn't like Vegas - that was just a fling, baby, but let me tell you something: Vegas offered to take care of me for a while. Vegas, as I was packing my bags, offered me another year of teaching - no questions asked. But I turned my nose up at it to be back here with you.
And now you're going to tell me you don't have any jobs? Okay, let's clear the air a bit: I thought you didn't have any real jobs, you know? I thought you didn't have any white-collar career jobs, and you know what? That's fine. I'd given up on holding down a square-type job so as to stay focused on my writing while making the bare minimum I needed to live, so it was not a thing for me that you said you didn't have any jobs
We had an arrangement for the last few years that I lived here (before Vegas) that I wouldn't make any money, and you would keep your cost-of-living down. When I was living downtown, my output quadrupled, my writing improved, and you were the subject and setting of so many of the stories I wrote.
We had an arrangement for the last few years that I lived here (before Vegas) that I wouldn't make any money, and you would keep your cost-of-living down. When I was living downtown, my output quadrupled, my writing improved, and you were the subject and setting of so many of the stories I wrote.
Those were good times, weren't they?
Skyrockets in flight - afternoon delight
But now it's starting to look like you've got nothing for me, baby, and it tears me up to say it, but I need to know where you're at. I've barked up every university and community college, every fly-by-night editorial company on Craigslist, and I've spent time walking, really walking through the streets of Ferndale, Berkley, and Royal Oak filling out applications.
Applications - who fills out applications after the age of 30?
And yeah, I had that editorial job for a while, but you saw what that was doing to me. I had to quit that thing baby - that's just what a man do. Baby, I'm still holding out a lot of hope here. I've got a few irons in the fire, and I'm trying to make something work, but I've got to know you're in this with me.
Don't try to be all coy now
Now I'm not the type of guy to go around giving ultimatums, but I'm going to tell it like it is: If I can't make something stick by December, I'm leaving for the coast. Don't matter which one, just know that I'll go. And when I say "by December," you should know that I'm going to start looking at jobs outside of Michigan in September, and start packing in November. I've talked to a lot of my friends on this, and there's been a lot of head shaking and so-sadding, but ain't nobody said "no don't go."
So baby, get your head together - is you is or is you ain't my home state? Do I change that header up at the top of this page to read "Blog of Detroit Writer Vytautas Malesh?"
I really hope you come around, baby, but know this:
The countdown starts today.
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This is similar to a Dear John letter I wrote - but never sent - to Michigan in the days before I packed up and headed south. When I think about going back, I realize you really can't go home again.
ReplyDeleteOof! You're breaking my heart here, bro. Well... It's heartbreak, but at the same time, reality settling in. Throughout what I like to call "D20's (2004 - ?) Sea to Shining Sea Tour"...
ReplyDelete(hold on. cracking open a genuine faygo dee-licious vanilla creme soda! that lizzy brought me -- she's visiting this week.)
So, throughout this tour, I made "Getting Back to Michigan" my goal. I figured that it wasn't so bad. I'd get to see redwoods, the City by the Bay, Silicon Valley, and then the Big Apple, all at a healthy arm's length (30 to 50 miles from home -- an easy day trip). I figured that absence would only increase the fondness that exists between me and my family and my friends. I figured that our economy (which art in heaven) would even have its wounds healed by time. And so, I continued daily life while, mentally, sparing three fingers to check on the pulse of Michigan, Midtown Detroit in particular (please, please, please, WSU ChemE Dept. opening in 5..., 4..., 3...).
I figured that most everyone and everything would still be there when I moved back. In my heart, I'm still a Michi-goose from the Michi-gander. The first 27 years are not lightly cast aside; half that time, I was a legit, within-city-limits, more-street-cred-than-Ritchie-and-Mathers-combined Detroiter.
Alas, my empathy and nostalgia are slowly being displaced by daily reality. Michigan's recovery isn't going to be quick by any standards. I'll probably be the first in my documented paternal lineage to forego retirement and corporeal interment up north. Even with the dream job, would I still pack up my family and move? There's a lot of uncertainty, almost too much.
I never got as far as you or Tricia did -- To pen a letter. To borrow your earlier metaphor, Michigan is still faithful Penelope. Honestly, your successful return helped keep my own dream alive to some extent.
As of now, I'm still not sure. In daily living, I am a displaced Detroiter living in New York. NY is not perfect, but is working out well. CA wasn't perfect, but worked well when I was there. MI won't be perfect if I ever make it back, but it still holds the title of "Home" to me.
Damn... That took a turn for the sappy!
I feel this with every fiber of my being. I never really wanted to move away and now all I do read through anemic automatic job searches through which I hope to find a ticket back. Everything I write is set in Michigan (even when it's not).
ReplyDeleteThank you all for commenting, because as displaced Michiganders you know exactly what I'm saying. I've got a lot of comments coming into my email, and face to face too (perhaps that was the worst, because it was in a candid conversation with my old man today over scotch). All of them are commiserative, and it is indeed a sad and difficult state in which I find myself.
ReplyDeleteThat being said - don't doubt that I am fighting tooth and claw to stay here, and let me say to all three of you what you yourselves already know - the things that were good are still good. This still feels like home!
But that homey feeling won't pay the bills, and I've made a lifestyle of being transient. I'm not going to be like the battered woman at the shelter, saying "Oh, but he LOVES me" as I nurse a black eye, or to strip the metaphor bare, I'm not going to move into the Jefferson Projects and get paid on the first and fifteenth, dodging bullets and saying "but I LOVE it here!"
But back to point 1 - tooth and claw. I want to be here. I've just got to make it stick!
Now then, back to the scotch (the key to mid-week drinking: if you start, don't stop! You'll just get a headache.)