Pumpkinhead

 
Dateline - August 14, Rural Illinois:  B-list internet celebrity Tila Tequila is assaulted by rowdy ICP fans at the 11th annual Gathring of the Juggalos festival. The veteran skank, most noteable for her laundry list of STDs and noteworthy contributions to further lowering America's cultural denominator, suffered lacerations and bruises, some quite serious, and has vowed to destroy the festival.  Sources close to the "actress...sort of" said she was suing the festival for the biggest number she could think of, which is 69 dollars and a lot of giggling.  Then some lawyers got involved and have begun to put together a case against the ICP, who responded "Juggalo-ka-roni, my nugz is in da haaaugh." 

Who invited Tila Tequila to play at this festival?  Who thought that would be a good idea?  My only guess is that in much the same way that people look like ants from high up in an airplane, someone must have assumed that all underclass mouth-breathers are basically the same.  This also explains the presence of comedian Tom Green at the festival, but not the absence of Andrew Dice Clay.

Great, now the stairway has crabs

While I in no way condone, and go out of my way to condemn, violence against women, I have no actual proof that Tila Tequila is a human being.  If you saw the movie S1m0ne starring Al Pacino and Rachel Roberts, well, congratulations - you're part of a very small fraternity, but also you can grasp the concept of an artificially engineered pop star designed by committee.  This, I think, explains Tila Tequila.  Think about it:  her exaggerated disregard of social mores, her cartoonish lasciviousness - it's eerily like the manner in which a robot who was suddenly given consciousness would seek to imitate the traits it thought we wanted in a female celebrity.  It tries too hard at being just a couple degrees off of what we, the media consuming public, want. 

Plus - that head.  It's like an orange on a toothpick.  I could not think of a more perfect example of the uncanny valley - she...she almost looks human! 

Earlier attempts were less successful

So it's not too terribly surprising that the Juggalos turned on her.  The juggalos are animalistic, primitive, and intentionally clannish.  In much the same way as dogs and babies can smell a "bad" person, so too could the juggalos detect that the unit Tila was not human,  They responded in the way that seemed natural for them: hurling bottles, rocks, and human excrement.  The android attempted to placate these humans by revealing its synthetic silicone breasts, but when the enraged juggalos failed to fall for this ruse, her self-preservation protocol kicked in and she sought the refuge of her mobile charging station.  

By then, the mob had been far too incensed, and they sought to tear apart the unholy abomination.  Luckily for the science of artificial-but-not-particularly-bright intelligence, the unit's field techs were able to return her to the lab for further study. 

Just like herpes, I won't go away

The juggalos have all been returned to the wild, where they are free to reform into their swelling unwashed herds.  Alone, they are timid, even gentle creatures inclined to write innocent and soulful poetry about cutting a bitches neck off, or to draw primitive pictures of wicked clowns decapitating high school teachers in a fashion reminiscent of the Lascaux cave paintings.  When provoked, juggalos will instinctively lash out at any perceived threat or aggressor.  When the threat eventually gets tired of laughing at the juggalos and walks away, the juggalos will return to their lives as normal: dropping out of school, dressing in ridiculous psychopathic merchandise, and platitudinously reassuring one another that they are all one another's true family, for real yo. 

This pair is about to mate - could they breed in captivity?

At the end of the day, one can only hope that this incident fades from national attention: that Tila Tequila will retire from her career as a professional famous person, and that the ICP fans will just sort of dissolve back into their day-to-day lives, smoking dope and working at fast food restaurants, slowly saving up for the next gathering.  

But could it happen again?  Could it happen to someone the world actually cares about?  A policy of containment may work best should these incidents repeat themselves in a more relevant fashion.  In much the same way as the government allowed for soverign Indian reservations to dot the United States, so might society be best served in building a Juggalo reservation - an earthly Shangri-La of Faygo and neden, where these noble savages could be free to roam and graze at their leisure.  This would free society at large from having to deal with the risk these savage and untameable creatures present, and it would allow the juggalos to live in peace and harmony with their miracles, free from the fuckin' lies of scientists, and the confounding mysteries of magnets. 

Fuckin' miracles - how do they work?

***Buy some shit off Amazon or your daughter will marry a Juggalo***